“What If ?”

September tested me beyond belief in all aspects of my life

It tested my beliefs that I thought were settled in, and it showed me that even now I still have a lot to learn.

These weeks in October have showed me the same

I was feeling like I had maxed out on luck and growth, I felt like all my goals abruptly hit a ceiling that couldn’t be moved.

I started to waver in my faith

How could I be in this spot again?

I questioned my path and I started to look back

In my mind I replayed the voices of people who sowed doubt in my heart and I thought maybe they knew best

What if my greatness lies behind me, maybe I shot too high

Maybe I need to come back to earth

My mind repeated these thoughts, but my soul thrashed against them

Still, I worked against myself. I threw my good habits by the wayside and let myself sink into a self made abyss.

I picked up “ Can’t hurt Me”, by David Goggins and started reading where I left off. I started a few self help books in this period and none resonated or moved me.

But this book moved me, I left off on a chapter where David becomes entangled in self criticism and self doubt.

He describes that breaking out of the shackles of our perceived limitations and perceptions others have placed on us comes with pain, it hurts. The hurting isn’t an indication to stop, but to continue until you’re free from the bondage altogether.

Self doubt is natural, but when unchecked it thwarts progress and it infects the mind.

David says the greatest neutralizer to doubt is a simple question

“What if”

In those words I found clarity

I remembered how I even got out of the hole I was in two years before. In that period of hopelessness I had asked myself

“What if there’s a way out?”

There was. I must always remember that there is always a way. No matter how dire or hopeless and I must continue to find that way.

There will always be challenges and when you think you’ve gotten to the other side of them you’re met with new ones.

September and October have shown me the beauty in the challenge and struggle. It showed me that you cannot escape the suffering life brings, so you must make it your companion.

So now I’m asking the what if’s and looking forward. I’m dedicating myself back to growth