I’ve tried to write this many times.

Each time I’d hit a wall, hate my tone, or lose track of the point, but I’m ready now.

I hear the music

Somewhat recently I watched the movie Oppenheimer and it captivated me entirely. There are many things I feel for this film, but this essay will be about one line that hasn’t escaped my mind.

Tension is building up and Neils Bohr turns to Oppenheimer:

“The important thing isn’t can you read music, it’s can you hear it. Can you hear the music, Robert?”

It was a moment to me that came at an uncannily perfect time.

It haunted me greatly. Partly because it rang the same tune of a Nietzsche quote that I read at my lowest and unsure.

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”

And partly because I was running from the music with all my might.

I remember there was a sort of ‘music’ that surrounded me. It was a force that guided me. It told me which way I should go and lured me closer to my destiny. It’s a force you can’t explain, but it’s in us all.

Before I realized this I started to resent the music. I fought it daily.

No, I can’t do that it won’t make sense

But hardly anyone makes it

Where will I get money

Maybe later… maybe when I have more money

Everyone will laugh.

The music didn’t want to hear it.

I remember when I had forsaken the music. I became more attracted to the syllogistic and the scientific and denounced the music as unsound. I pursued things outside of the music. That was safer.

It made sense. People love sense.

In that way I was able to ward off naysayers. I could point to the beautiful logic of it all. I could be sound to others and that made me safe. I was in a fortress of solitude safe from the music’s penetration.

They respect me here. I make sense.

I ignored the music. I covered my ears. I ran from it, but I couldn’t escape it. It found me everywhere I ran.

I’d run harder and further away.

This is no place for music. This is a place for reason, for the things that make sense.

The music wasn’t sensical it couldn’t stay.

Why couldn’t it leave me alone

To me it didn’t matter if without the music I was desolate. I was acceptable and I could wrap myself in a palatable bow.

I hated that I was always faced with the music.

I viewed it as a defect.

I envisioned it as the pied piper trying to lure me to a great demise. Only leading me to hellfire and persecution.

Leave me alone.

It fell on deaf ears

But you can’t escape the music you must listen

It was a thought that commanded me

I let it creep in without a fight. I opened the door.

It soothed me. It supported me. Like an old friend. The music embraced me. It missed me.

I felt horrible

I had betrayed a friend

One who never left me

I had denied the internal truth and sought out external validation

I saw things more clearly as I listened. The music showed me things nothing else could. It gave me a sense and knowledge that never forsook me. It never lied.

It was a blessing that I had rejected with everything inside of me.

There are some with no guidance.

It told me

Do not ignore the gift. Listen

I will always listen to the music when it beckons me.

You know the music

Listen to it.

Don’t think

Feel.

Maybe your music is literal music. I hope you embrace it.

Maybe it’s God calling out to you

Maybe your music is writing like me

Don’t fight it. Welcome the music ❤️

Oh and one more thing I love you and so does the music