This summer I probably reached one of the lowest moments in my life. I didn’t realize it until recently.

Honestly, I realized even preceding the summer I wasn’t feeling like myself.

I was extremely apathetic and I was living in a way where I was pouring into others but abandoning myself.

I was honestly dissatisfied with most aspects of my life but I was comfortable.

With a quick overview of my life I thought I had nothing to be sad about.

I was at UCLA.

I had a boyfriend.

I amended relationships with family.

I found comfort in these facts even though they were sources of intense stress and sorrow for me.

But I sought comfort in these for whatever reason.

Then summer came and everything around me that kept me comfortable was stripped away from me one by one.

I was in Paris meeting my ex’s family, starting a study abroad program, and I thought all of the surmounting issues in our relationship were finally going to become lighter.

But my heart remained heavy and uneasy.

Right before my flight to Paris I had a major breakdown and felt intense anxiety about going. I was crying on and off all day.

I knew I was making a big mistake.

I guess I was correct to be afraid.

To fast forward, I was back in Paris after going on a trip to London with his family, and I ended up alone in the airport and single, trying to figure out my way back home in a language I could hardly understand.

I remember feeling gutted and alone.

That ended up being the theme of my summer.

Being alone.

When I got back from Paris the woes didn’t stop and I ended up again being at odds with a family member that I had just reconciled with, leaving me to feel abandoned again.

In those moments it’s hard to believe that something better is around the corner.

In that moment of abandonment and betrayal I questioned if goodness was an illusion.

Part of me has majorly blocked out the memory of Paris, but the memories flooded in recently after watching a movie called No Country for Old Men.

A movie filled with intense and utter despair. A serial killer is rampaging a town and there’s little anyone can do to stop it. It deeply affects the psyche of a sheriff who believes there’s hardly any good in the world and thinks God and life have overlooked him.

The sheriff is unaware of how many times he narrowly escaped the serial killer.

Despite the immense despair engulfing him, he was one of the luckiest people in the movie.

Sometimes luck and favor have a way of disguising themselves.

Oftentimes things are working out in ways we can’t see or understand.

When I was going through the breakup alone in Paris, wrestling with the multi-faceted levels of betrayal, I began to feel extremely hopeless.

Extremely misunderstood by those around me and the mutual friends we shared. I was deeply envious that he was sheltered by people telling him he could do no wrong while I was alone grappling with my emotions and being isolated from support.

This world can do a fantastic job of beating you down and making you feel alone and hopeless.

Rejections and betrayals can really add up on the spirit.

I hope if you feel alone in experiencing these things that I’ve been there too.

But even in the despair came a beautiful and priceless gift.

I had myself back.

I could finally pour all the love and attention back into myself and fill my own cup.

I was able to reflect on all the ways in which I improved in this relationship despite the chaotic end.

I became a more patient version of myself.

I became a better listener.

I learned that reconciliation in relationships, whether that’s in friendships, romantic relationships, or familial, can only truly be reconciliation if wrongs are recognized and amended, not swept under the rug in the name of peace.

As all these things were ripped from my life my heart became lighter and I slowly regained my peace.

I am so happy that I have faced these hurdles and they have not broken me or corrupted my spirit.

Even though I have been stolen from I still give freely.

Even though I have been betrayed I remain loyal and honest.

Even though I have been surrounded by sorrow I remain joyful and I uplift those around me.

My heart has been crushed but I still remain open to receiving and giving love.

Thank God.

Love Sarah 🌟